Tw: suicide, holidays
Dear readers, friends, and family,
I write today about something near to my heart. The holidays are hard for many people. We glamorize them. We just mention the festivities. What we forget is that there are people who are alone, who are missing people, who are remembering times they wish they didn’t, and so many other things.
Now, I’m not saying to not enjoy your holiday season. I’m saying to take a second and pause. Call your best friend. Call Aunt Sally. Tell the stranger in the grocery store you love their sweater and wish you could pull that color off. Tell them. Call them.
Suicide is common around this time of year for many reasons. If you can help on person feel less alone, remind them they matter, then that’s a job well done.
Every single time I look at the news, I see another story about someone ending their life, and it hurts my heart. Many of us have lost people in the past couple years from a variety of things. Not just suicide. Grief is wrecking our hearts.
I mean, I lost my father this summer. It was terrible to watch. I’ll never be quite the same. A hellish year, a seven month decline on hospice… it left my mental health trashed.
So I share this with you… I’ve never been in such a dark place as I was after setting at my father’s bedside, his memorial, and cleaning out his house. When the tasks ran out, I was left with a gaping hole.
What next? My health was in the dumpster. I’d spent all of me on others. I had nothing left. I couldn’t feel anything. Nothing. I just wanted to feel something. I indulged in reckless behavior I’d never indulged in. I was on like seven dating apps at one point. I, the most cautious of drinkers, was drinking wine several times a week.
Anything to feel. My hole was so deep, I thought I’d never climb out. I didn’t know if I cared. I wanted it all to end, but I couldn’t bare to hurt my family that was still suffering from my father’s death. That’s the truth.
So I rallied. I’m not exactly sure how. I was in therapy, but I also really started working on me. What did I need to be happy?
No dating apps. No men as a distraction to text with. No alcohol. None since the end of August. Not a drop.
I started working on my hobbies and writing again. I threw myself into cultivating relationships with the people I’d been neglecting. I told my mom and best friend the truth. I let them see the dark and twisty. They just pulled me close. It scared them, but it wasn’t that they were scared of me, but rather for me.
But I was worth it. They reminder me every single day. I pulled through that time. I won’t say this holiday season is easy. I will say that I’m enjoying it though.
I shared this with you for a reason. Suicidal thoughts aren’t weak. And I will always help you get the help you need. Message me if you need. Dark and twisty won’t scare me.
There was a time I was crying out inside, but it sickened me to lay the burden of my feelings on anyone. People don’t want to say, I’ve been there. I said it. I’ll be your person. The more of us that come forward, the less stigma that will exist. Let me fight with and for you.
With love and life,
Jenna
Jenna, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story! <3 Such an important topic to talk about.